Monday, January 26, 2009

Will it ever fade?

Today is the second anniversary of my miscarriage.

Last week I drove by the cemetery where the memorial is and started crying. Some days I wonder when it will stop hurting. When the ache will fade. And then another corner of me doesn't want to forget. Will that negate the life that God created?

Then I look at the women who miscarried ten, twenty, thirty years ago and still tear up when they mention their miscarriage.

I don't think it's the kind of loss you forget. You may move on. You may heal. It may not be such a raw pain. But you don't forget.

I wonder about the baby. Was he a boy or a girl? What call and purpose did God have on his life? What would he have added to our family? Was he the little brother Eric thinks Jonathan needs? I wonder.

Rebecca is chattering up a storm -- her sweet voice and personality is a balm to my heart, but the ache remains.

4 comments:

Eric Putman said...

Cara,

God knows that I've grieved with you, but not always in ways that communicate clearly to your heart. Hope this modest online effort helps commemorate 'lil Gabe in a way that speaks to your heart and lets you know your hubby loves you.

http://www.firstgiving.com/matrixlifeline

We've a precious investment in heaven and I know that child of ours is belting out some seriously good worship tunes. Can't wait to join 'em for a chorus or two -- but until then we get to keep singing here.

With much love and affection, Eric

Anonymous said...

Cara,
My deepest sympathy on the loss of your baby. I've never lost a child in miscarriage, so I can't stand in your shoes.

God doesn't expect you to ever forget your little one, but He does want you to forgive yourself in regards to the loss of your baby. In time, you will remember the loss with less pain, that I can attest to.

Melinda S said...

Cara, having lost a baby to miscarriage nearly 28 years ago, I can attest that the raw pain does fade. But, you never forget or stop wondering "what if". For years I blamed myself for not being able to carry this baby to term. But, God knew before that baby was even conceived that he/she would never be born into this world. When I finally accepted that, the pain got easier to bear. Now it's a pleasant thought that I have a little one waiting in heaven for me. I also found comfort in thinking of my dad in heaven with my little one as well as the baby my mother & dad lost to miscarriage before I was born. I like to think my dad is teaching them both to play the guitar while waiting on the rest of us. He taught the rest of us to play the guitar while he was with us on this earth.

My prayers are with you.

Cara Putman said...

Thanks, all. And Eric, that does speak to my heart :-)

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