Do you let God use your pain? Wildflowers from Winter Giveaway

My friend Katie Ganshert is celebrating the release of her novel Wildflowers from Winter. The premise is that God can take our pain and turn it into beauty -- sometimes unexpected.

And I'm thrilled to add that her publisher will send a copy of her debut novel to one of the commenters, so be sure to let me know how God has touched your pain.

Anyway, I can so relate to God taking our winters and causing beautiful wildflowers to grow. Five years ago I experienced our first miscarriage, an event that is tied to our anniversary since the D&C was the day before our anniversary. The first year after the miscarriage the grief pulled my under. The second year I still felt it. By this year, a part of me spent the week wondering what that child would have been like. What he or she would have added to our family. But I also praised God for our three and a half year-old. I can't imagine our family without her. At all.

Part of me rejoices in the idea that healing has come. I didn't spend two days under the waves of grief. Praise God! God has answered my prayers to bring good and beauty from our miscarriages, and He has. There have been seasons of struggle, questioning, and pain, but through it all God was there.

Heaven is for Real

Curious about the book Heaven is for Real? The author Todd Burpo spoke at my parents' church yesterday. Listen to the stories. Read the book. Judge for yourself. I read the book in an afternoon. And my ten-year-old read it in two nights.

Heaven is for Real. Just like Christ is real. The chapter that meant the most to me is the first story that Sonya shares about their daughter.

''

Real Life on Pages

What happens when real life bleeds on to the pages of our books?

Sometimes it happens. I know, you never expected that, right?

Some of my writer friends have talked about whether they feel more exposed in fiction or nonfiction. Now my onl

y non fiction book is on business law. Very academic if approachable. I definitely feel more exposed and vulnerable with fiction.

In fact, life has bled onto the page in at least two of my books.

With Sandhill Dreams, I was still reeling from my first miscarriage and secondary infertility as I prepared to write Lainie’s story. So her spiritual journey of where to find God when it seems He’s allowed a dream to die was very much where I was. I clung to promises like those that He will never leave us or forsake us, because I knew in a very real way what it felt like to feel as if He had abandoned me in my pain. I had to cling to those promises until I could

convince my heart to believe them again.

Then in A Promise Kept, I offered that journey to God again as I wrote about a newly married couple who experiences the death of their dream. I wrote a letter to readers in that book that explained why I wrote the story as I did. Then, weeks after the book released to the bookclub and as I already felt exposed and poised to run from reaction, I miscarried again. It felt like such a slap. I have truly wrestled with how God can use me more by allowing this second pain than He could have with the first. I may not know the answer until heaven, but I’m still very much in the throes of that struggle.

So, yes, life does bleed into my pages. Because if I’m going to write real emotion. If I’m going to have a genuine spiritual arc. Then most of the time I will have experienced or thought long and hard about the journeys my characters take.

Handling Grief Part Four

Here's my last thought on this... at least for now :-)

Please acknowledge the pain. Even though you may not understand what the mother is going through, please acknowledge that she's had a loss and that her pain is real.

Little hurts more than having the loss seemingly ignored.

So if you don't know what to say, just say you're sorry. Really that's all it takes. Send a card. Even an e-card. Anything that acknowledges that what they've experienced is real. Because you're silence -- even when because of discomfort about knowing what to do or say -- can be interrupted as not caring. And often that is the farthest thing from your mind.

Things friends and family have done that are meaningful to me:

• cards
• emails
• flowers
• emergency deliveries of ice cream sandwiches (my comfort food)
• hugs, hugs, and more hugs
• calls to let me know they were praying and thinking of me
• gifts in recognition of the baby
• We planted two rose bushes last month: one for each baby.
  
• etc.

The woman in your life will probably have other things that are meaningful to her. But please, say something and send a card that acknowledges her loss.

Handling Grief Part Three: Resources

Here are some resources that I wish I'd found in the days and weeks after my first miscarriage.

Grieving the Child I Never Knew: A Devotional Companion for Comfort in the Loss of Your Unborn or Newly Born By Kathe Wunnenberg Grieving the Child I Never Knew offers comfort and the reassurance of God's presence as you grieve the loss of a child you never got to know. If you've lost a child through miscarriage, tubal pregancy, stillbirth, or early infant death, this devotional will encourage you along your healing journey. Each chapter includes a journaling exercise. Hardcover.

This is the book I searched for but couldn't find as I was trying to process the first miscarriage. Once I found it, I've given it away to each woman I know who has experienced a miscarriage. I probably keep two ready to give at any time. Each person has said how much the book has helped them. I've flipped through it and found the short chapters to be vulnerable and helpful. And I like the way it has space to journal inside the book. It also has a great index that helps you find devotionals that are most helpful for what you're feeling at that time. For example Mother's Day, anniversary of loss, etc.

Silent Grief: Miscarriage-Child Loss, Finding Your Way Through the Darkness By Clara Hinton More than 200,000 couples experience the shock and grief of first-trimester miscarriage every year. On top of that are the later-term miscarriages and stillbirths that also occur. Clara Hinton not only writes of her own experience, but the experiences of scores of other women and men.

I just found this book and again am flipping through it. It's not the kind of book you can sit down and read in one setting because of the topic. But so far it's been helpful -- if nothing else it helps to know you're not alone in what you're feeling and experiencing.

Handling Grief Part Two

Did I mention that men and women are different?

Boy are they! On one level it makes sense. The women is the one who knows that her body is hard at work protecting and supporting this developing life. She's already imagined what's coming for the next nine months and beyond.

To a man, it may be exciting but it's still theoretical at a certain level, even as his wife's belly grows and he sees an ultrasound. The baby becomes solidified in a sense when he gets to hold the child for the first time.

The woman's already held the child for nine months.

So when a miscarriage occurs even before she begins to show, it is largely theoretical for the man. But if you believe life begins at conception, it's still a life that has ended. A family landscape that has been altered. A brother or sister, son or daughter, niece or nephew that will never be part of the family. And that is a very real loss.

But because it is theoretical, the man learns for a short period and moves on. Women, or I should say I, don't.

Then there's also the issue of milestones. I feel them all. Eric doesn't -- remember the theoretical?

People I've talked to say this is normal. When two people grieve they will rarely do it at the same time. So be forewarned and prepared. And there may come a day where you are so angry at the man in your life because he's moved on and you are being crushed by the grief. You're not the only one who's ever felt this way -- many of the women I've talked to who've had a miscarriage have experienced that. But pray through it. And let him know where you're at so he can be there for you.

Oh, and men hate this because they can't fix it. That makes grief all the more avoidable.

So be prepared and forewarned.

Handling Grief

I've learned several things through the miscarriges about grief and how I process it. I'll share a few today in case they might help you as you try to understand or be supportive of someone you know going through grief. A couple things hit me this week that made me think this might be a good time to share.

1) Sometimes I may be breaking under the weight of grief. I may cry out for help -- actually I probably will send a text or email to carefully selected folks letting them know that I am breaking. You know who you are from this latest round. I am so incredibly grateful for you because there are days I don't respond well to the grief, anger and mix of emotions, but I know your support and prayers are what carry me through. But if you call, I may answer and be incredibly buoyed by your call. Or I may listen to your message, thank God for putting you in my life to support me, but I might not answer or respond for a few days. The reason? I've learned that if I walk through that particular segment of the journey with more than two or three people, I may throw myself back into that pit. I need to talk about it, but I can't live there. Does that make sense? So please don't take it personally if you call and get an email in response. I may be too drained and precarious to actually talk to you at that moment.

2) Please share your good news. I got great news write before I sat down that broke my heart all over again. Fortunately, I could be incredibly excited during the call -- and believe me, I really am. Yet emotions are incredibly complex and my heart breaks again at what I've lost even as I celebrate with you. This has happened with both miscarriages that someone near and dear to me got pregnant at the same time, waited to tell me because they wanted to respect me and what I was processing. With the one, I cried every time I held her daughter for about a year since the birth dates would have overlapped. I could rejoice (and still do) in the amazing miracle and blessing that baby is, while mourning what I had lost. The same with the miracle I just learned about. I'm crying as I type these words, partly in sadness, but partly in joy. God has certainly made our emotions complex and layered things.

So please don't hide your joy, but don't be surprised if I smile while tears course down my face.

3) Men and women greive a miscarriage completely differently...but this post is so long I'll leave it at that for the moment.

My Source of Strength in Pain

Strength. I’ve always thought of myself as a strong person. Ask anyone who knows me and they’d likely agree. I tend to take life and adapt it to the way I want things to go.

Most of the time.

But every once in awhile life throws me a curveball.

The latest came in July. The day before I left for a writers retreat and extended family vacation. I started bleeding. Normally, this isn’t any big deal, but four days earlier I’d learned I was pregnant. I have three amazing children, but I also have one in heaven from a miscarriage a couple years ago, so the bleeding scared me to death.

My strength disappeared. And I’m struggling to re-find it after my doctor confirmed I miscarried. Again.

I thought I was over the first miscarriage. I thought it was behind me. That I’d grieved, turned it over to God, moved on. But the moment I started bleeding, it all flooded back. In a rush, I was overwhelmed, terrified, and felt so utterly alone.

So now I get to choose again. Do I succumb to the horrible pit of emotions and questions….and I’ll be the first to admit how angry, sad and worn out I am. I don’t understand and don’t know that I will this side of heaven why God allowed it. I can’t see how He can use a second miscarriage in a way that one alone wouldn’t have covered.

Yet, He is God. He is sovereign, and once again I find myself clinging to that amid the tears and grief.

The truly ironic thing is that in my June release from Heartsong Presents, A Promise Kept, the heroine deals with a miscarriage. It is part of the fruit of my first miscarriage. In it Josie experiences the pain of miscarriage and has to find the strength to move on while keeping the promise she made to her husband. It’s not an easy road for her, but it’s a real road. It’s a journey that too many women travel, often alone. Often without acknowledgment from others. Often with hidden grief.

My prayer that is if you have experience that loss, you will find your strength by placing yourself in God’s hands.

Lingering Effects...

Friday night I learned that two friends miscarried last week. My heart broke for them and the loss of their babies.

I have to tell you -- I don't understand why God allows such things to befall us in life. I wrestle with understanding His ways, His purpose, His plans. Yet I know that He is in control of our lives, He holds us in the palms of His hands, and He is trustworthy. How to tell these women that my fervent prayer is that they will see God take a situation that our enemy clearly intends for evil and transform it into good -- in a way that only He can.

To let them know that the pain and grief are real and must be processed. Yet God can and will surprise them with joy -- even on the darkest days.

For me, one of the goods that God has caused out of the loss is the ability to reach out to women experiencing a miscarriage. Because I have lived it, I can hug them and say I understand. I can pray and I can share.

Both women are getting a copy of Kathe Wunnenberg's book: Grieving the Child I Never Knew. It is the book I wish I had found in the early days after my miscarriage. It's one I still turn to -- more than two years later. I just hate that I need to order more.