Friday, September 04, 2009

Handling Grief

I've learned several things through the miscarriges about grief and how I process it. I'll share a few today in case they might help you as you try to understand or be supportive of someone you know going through grief. A couple things hit me this week that made me think this might be a good time to share.

1) Sometimes I may be breaking under the weight of grief. I may cry out for help -- actually I probably will send a text or email to carefully selected folks letting them know that I am breaking. You know who you are from this latest round. I am so incredibly grateful for you because there are days I don't respond well to the grief, anger and mix of emotions, but I know your support and prayers are what carry me through. But if you call, I may answer and be incredibly buoyed by your call. Or I may listen to your message, thank God for putting you in my life to support me, but I might not answer or respond for a few days. The reason? I've learned that if I walk through that particular segment of the journey with more than two or three people, I may throw myself back into that pit. I need to talk about it, but I can't live there. Does that make sense? So please don't take it personally if you call and get an email in response. I may be too drained and precarious to actually talk to you at that moment.

2) Please share your good news. I got great news write before I sat down that broke my heart all over again. Fortunately, I could be incredibly excited during the call -- and believe me, I really am. Yet emotions are incredibly complex and my heart breaks again at what I've lost even as I celebrate with you. This has happened with both miscarriages that someone near and dear to me got pregnant at the same time, waited to tell me because they wanted to respect me and what I was processing. With the one, I cried every time I held her daughter for about a year since the birth dates would have overlapped. I could rejoice (and still do) in the amazing miracle and blessing that baby is, while mourning what I had lost. The same with the miracle I just learned about. I'm crying as I type these words, partly in sadness, but partly in joy. God has certainly made our emotions complex and layered things.

So please don't hide your joy, but don't be surprised if I smile while tears course down my face.

3) Men and women greive a miscarriage completely differently...but this post is so long I'll leave it at that for the moment.


Casey said...

I am so sorry for the deep loss you are feeling now. But know this, God is standing right beside you, He will NEVER let you down. Your precious babies are right not nestled in the arms of Jesus and someday, on a glorious day you will see your darlings' precious face. For now, let them rest in the arms of our Savior, taking comfort in the fact that they will never have to experience the pull of sin of this world. You will be in my prayers. God bless.

bigguysmama said...

Cara, I was so surprised at the number of women who came up and talked to me about their own loss after I had my miscarriage. I was stunned to know how many had had one.

I was thankful for the support of friends, just like you, and reacted very similarly as you are with who I talk to at certain times.

I had a super close friend who was pregnant at the same time and our babies would've been a week or so apart. The first year she had her son was a tough one.

I did end up getting pregnant shortly after and our sons are good buddies, but it doesn't change the fact that I have a little one I never get to celebrate a birthday with.

Praying for this time of grieving.

In Christ,
Mimi B

Edna said...

I have never had a miscarriage but I can agree with you about hurt, anger and feeling as though you have no idea what you can do, I have depression really bad and I have problems with 2 of my sons and their families, nothing bad except for my husband and I as they will not come around us and want let us see the grandchilden, just because the dauthers-in-law got mad at us. So when I get to thinking about that I really get down and just have a hopeless feeling.
I pray at these times that God will get me through, He is the only one.


Tamara Hart Heiner said...

I've been where you are girl. thanks for sharing.


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