Monday, September 28, 2009

When nothing else remains..

Have you ever noticed how exhaustion takes the edges off?

We can no longer hide from ourselves or God when we are too tired to hold the mask or shield up.

That happened to me at ACFW. I was poured out. Everything I had to offer was wrung out of me by Saturday at lunch.

In July I traveled to Denver in the process of miscarrying. Last week, I journeyed to Denver trying to pretend I was okay while desperately wanting to be real. During worship Sunday morning, I broke. I had no reserves left to pretend that I wasn’t angry at God. That I didn’t desperately question why He allowed this second miscarriage. That I am scared to offer Him all of me for fear of what else He will ask me to give up.

Sunday morning I surrendered. Again.

He’s asked me to believe that He has my best – that all He intends for me is good. That I don’t hae to wait for the other shoe to drop.

Life is parallel lines of wonderful and terrible. Good and bad. Intersecting, separating, Like railroad tracks running into a future that blurs in the distance.

But through it all God remains the same. And His promises never change.

6 comments:

Casey said...

I don't know even how to comfort, other than I can understand that depth of lose. And a hug through cyber space is impossible.:) But know that you are in my prayers. I thank God you have surrended to His love and care. He didn't cause this miscarriage. But Adam's sin has caused our bodies to be imperfect and they don't always work in the way we want. I know you must hear that more times than you want to, so I won't preach. But I will pray. God is with you, surrender and find peace and know you are loved.

Edna said...

I am so sorry you lost your baby but God always has a reason for everything. Maybe there is a little one out there somewhere that has no Mommy that needs you and your husband, May God bless you and help you as your go through the trials


mamat2730(at)charter(dot)net

Janet K said...

"Life is parallel lines of wonderful and terrible," you wrote. So, so true in the last few years at my house. He didn't change.
Remembering those promises even when I don't feel like it,
Janet

Casey said...

I heard this song on the radio and immediately thought of you. I hope this an encouragement to you, and touches your heart like it touched mine.

Building 429
"Always"

dhausler said...

Cara,
Thanks for sharing you heart here. Although I know you in a different context, I wish I could sit down and share a cup of coffee and a few tears with you.
Your insights are profound. Blessings on you as you heal and recover.
Your friend at Baker,
Donna

Cara Putman said...

Thanks everyone. I truly appreciate your support. This is what the body of Christ is about.

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