Friday, September 11, 2009

Handling Grief Part Two

Did I mention that men and women are different?

Boy are they! On one level it makes sense. The women is the one who knows that her body is hard at work protecting and supporting this developing life. She's already imagined what's coming for the next nine months and beyond.

To a man, it may be exciting but it's still theoretical at a certain level, even as his wife's belly grows and he sees an ultrasound. The baby becomes solidified in a sense when he gets to hold the child for the first time.

The woman's already held the child for nine months.

So when a miscarriage occurs even before she begins to show, it is largely theoretical for the man. But if you believe life begins at conception, it's still a life that has ended. A family landscape that has been altered. A brother or sister, son or daughter, niece or nephew that will never be part of the family. And that is a very real loss.

But because it is theoretical, the man learns for a short period and moves on. Women, or I should say I, don't.

Then there's also the issue of milestones. I feel them all. Eric doesn't -- remember the theoretical?

People I've talked to say this is normal. When two people grieve they will rarely do it at the same time. So be forewarned and prepared. And there may come a day where you are so angry at the man in your life because he's moved on and you are being crushed by the grief. You're not the only one who's ever felt this way -- many of the women I've talked to who've had a miscarriage have experienced that. But pray through it. And let him know where you're at so he can be there for you.

Oh, and men hate this because they can't fix it. That makes grief all the more avoidable.

So be prepared and forewarned.

1 comment:

Tamara Hart Heiner said...

As long as he understand that your grief is real and is there for you. As long as he doesn't try to make you feel belittled or like you're overreacting.


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