Monday, August 10, 2009

My Source of Strength in Pain

Strength. I’ve always thought of myself as a strong person. Ask anyone who knows me and they’d likely agree. I tend to take life and adapt it to the way I want things to go.

Most of the time.

But every once in awhile life throws me a curveball.

The latest came in July. The day before I left for a writers retreat and extended family vacation. I started bleeding. Normally, this isn’t any big deal, but four days earlier I’d learned I was pregnant. I have three amazing children, but I also have one in heaven from a miscarriage a couple years ago, so the bleeding scared me to death.


My strength disappeared. And I’m struggling to re-find it after my doctor confirmed I miscarried. Again.

I thought I was over the first miscarriage. I thought it was behind me. That I’d grieved, turned it over to God, moved on. But the moment I started bleeding, it all flooded back. In a rush, I was overwhelmed, terrified, and felt so utterly alone.

So now I get to choose again. Do I succumb to the horrible pit of emotions and questions….and I’ll be the first to admit how angry, sad and worn out I am. I don’t understand and don’t know that I will this side of heaven why God allowed it. I can’t see how He can use a second miscarriage in a way that one alone wouldn’t have covered.

Yet, He is God. He is sovereign, and once again I find myself clinging to that amid the tears and grief.

The truly ironic thing is that in my June release from Heartsong Presents, A Promise Kept, the heroine deals with a miscarriage. It is part of the fruit of my first miscarriage. In it Josie experiences the pain of miscarriage and has to find the strength to move on while keeping the promise she made to her husband. It’s not an easy road for her, but it’s a real road. It’s a journey that too many women travel, often alone. Often without acknowledgment from others. Often with hidden grief.

My prayer that is if you have experience that loss, you will find your strength by placing yourself in God’s hands.

16 comments:

Leanne said...

Cara, I'm so deeply sorry. I still think about my baby that I know is at peace with God in Heaven. I can't tell you how many times I have smiled and simultaneously wept at the thought I will meet her someday.
I don't have adequate words to comfort you, but please know my heart aches for you and my prayers will be with you...
Leanne

ragamuffin diva said...

I'm so sorry, Cara. May God grant you peace. I've been there, sis. Twice, and I also had a stillborn baby.

I highly recommend the Paraclete Press title, "Naming the Child." I think it will give you comfort.

with love,
claudia mair burney

Anonymous said...

I an in shock and utter grief for you Cara and your family. My prayers are for you. I wish I could give you a big hug. I know I can't say anthing to relieve the pain and hurt you feel. Just know we are here for you. God be with Cara and her family in this time of great lose. We dearly love you guys.
The Warren's

Anonymous said...

Sending a huge hug, my friend. So sorry for your loss.
Janet Klein

More than Survival said...

Dear Heavenly Father,
Life just doesn't make sense. So often we feel hurt, confused and angry at the storms we face in our life here on earth! Thank you for being strong enough in your love for us to absorb all of our many feelings! Please give Cara peace in the midst of this storm. Heal her heart as only you can. Thank you for creating such an incredible and special woman!! In Jesus Name!

Pattie said...

Cara, I am so very sorry for your loss. I have nothing to add but prayers for you.

Denise said...

Oh Cara, I am so sorry about your loss. I am hurting for you now, and praying He will strengthen you and hide you in the shelter of His wings. I know what it feels like to be at the end of your strength.
love, Denise

Cara Putman said...

Thank you. It's been a rough month. I'm still blindsided by the anger and pain at the oddest times. I so appreciate your prayers.

Crystal Laine Miller said...

Cara, You know that I'm praying for you.

Hope Wilbanks said...

I'm sorry for your loss, Cara. I fully understand. It was terribly difficult for my husband and I when I miscarried our second baby...I can't imagine what you must be going through with a second miscarriage. I pray Jesus wraps His arms around you!

bigguysmama said...

My mother's heart aches for you Cara. I am so sorry for your loss. I don't understand why God does this.

I had a miscarriage the day before my birthday before my youngest son was born and it through me for a loop. Never thought it would happen.

I pray that the Lord would reveal himself in a new way as you mourn your loss and allow him to heal you.

In Christ,
Mimi

Charlie Fugate said...

I've always believed that God shows himself in our most intimate moments in life. He's always there, but in moments like this is when his hand is felt most immediately and most urgently. I pray that God will carry you during your weakest moments and will put his loving arm around you in moments of strength.

I am so very sorry for your loss. Please know that you have a Christian brother in Virginia who is praying for you and Eric and the children.

Erica Vetsch said...

Cara, I'm so terribly sorry. You and your family are in my prayers.

Linda said...

I've never lost a baby to a miscarriage, but I am sure it is difficult. My deepest sympathies in your loss. May you find yourself stronger in the Lord in the midst of it all.

Jenny B. Jones said...

I'm so sorry. Praying for you during this hard time.

kristen said...

I'm so sorry, Cara. May the God of all comfort be with you today.
Kristen

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