Strength. I’ve always thought of myself as a strong person. Ask anyone who knows me and they’d likely agree. I tend to take life and adapt it to the way I want things to go.
Most of the time.
But every once in awhile life throws me a curveball.
The latest came in July. The day before I left for a writers retreat and extended family vacation. I started bleeding. Normally, this isn’t any big deal, but four days earlier I’d learned I was pregnant. I have three amazing children, but I also have one in heaven from a miscarriage a couple years ago, so the bleeding scared me to death.
My strength disappeared. And I’m struggling to re-find it after my doctor confirmed I miscarried. Again.
I thought I was over the first miscarriage. I thought it was behind me. That I’d grieved, turned it over to God, moved on. But the moment I started bleeding, it all flooded back. In a rush, I was overwhelmed, terrified, and felt so utterly alone.
So now I get to choose again. Do I succumb to the horrible pit of emotions and questions….and I’ll be the first to admit how angry, sad and worn out I am. I don’t understand and don’t know that I will this side of heaven why God allowed it. I can’t see how He can use a second miscarriage in a way that one alone wouldn’t have covered.
Yet, He is God. He is sovereign, and once again I find myself clinging to that amid the tears and grief.
The truly ironic thing is that in my June release from Heartsong Presents, A Promise Kept, the heroine deals with a miscarriage. It is part of the fruit of my first miscarriage. In it Josie experiences the pain of miscarriage and has to find the strength to move on while keeping the promise she made to her husband. It’s not an easy road for her, but it’s a real road. It’s a journey that too many women travel, often alone. Often without acknowledgment from others. Often with hidden grief.
My prayer that is if you have experience that loss, you will find your strength by placing yourself in God’s hands.